Almost Happy

I wanted to write and tell him that I am so happy today beacuse I’ve got a good news. I didnt write him. In stead, I sit and tear. I miss him and I should not. I havent heard from him today, I didnt know I would miss him this way. Dear do you miss me at all?

I called mum and told the good news. She was so happy. Yes there is only her who shares my joy. she was alone, daddy went to province because one of our relatives passed away. Pity her nass.

Now waiting for everything to be done then I’ll be a happy girl. I want to be back to cambodia and keep on relaxing hehee enjoying my days. I have no mood to work now. I get irritated when someone ask me about work.

letter 3

You know dear, today I got a woderful news. I’ve been waiting for this for years. Now I get what I have longed for. I wish you were here, so you could me see glad, and I could hold and hug you, celebrate the joy with you. I’ve missed you alot today, especially right now when it’s almost time to bed and I have not heard from you even a word. I do miss you, you know that? my bad man.

I found it

I’ve been looking for sth for days I coldnt find it, and it is kind of urgent. Today I found it and I feel like I should have tried harder, should have been more positive so I could find it earlier. I am good at wasting times.. I can be called jol msiet. Am I? yes I am.

I  talked to him again, I couldnt stop. or there were no reason not to. He didnt comfort me, he didnt say sorrry often enough and now he acts like nothing happened. HMM what a cold heart. I made him think I forgave him everything, but I cant forget he way he treated me. He told me not to think about him, but I dont. I just miss him sometimes and I pity him.

wish to get my only thing done, God please help and forgive my carelessness! please dont purnish me this time please!

Today one of my friends lifted me up to guess how much i weight. He did it several times. He kissed my pand coz he hit my head with a book. Cool ! all this with no feeling, see? I can do it too. well khmer guy will never do that, am i right? He even paid for my lunch.

He was nice to me coz he wanted me to help with his assignment, damn it!

letter 2

I just got up. I had you in my thought, wondering where you were and what you were doing, if you had me in your mind. I have sth in mind i dont know who I can share. Even my mum I dare not talk with her about that, so afraid I make her  tear. I wish I could tell you everything but I can’t. I dont know if you really care about me. I dont know if you wish to share things with me, and all this is not your fault. It is not your fault that you dont feel anything.

letter 1

you must be sleeping now. Guess what you are dreaming of. You do dream alot, both day and night dream. Guess if your tears fall before you fell asleep. Guess if you feel you are loosing me.

I told you what I had to tell, other things is up to you. I have done what I had to do, now I just wait for your turn. I gave you everything that I feel I have nothing left, guess if you could see what I  gave you.

As always, and as you know I thought of you today and I teared. I dont want to be smart and loose you. I dont want to be rich and cant live a simple life. I dont need the things that never mean anything. Anyhow, I was fine. I know you are all right and dont want me to think much. I’ll keep on praying for you.  

yours,

Ten dates

In less that a month we had ten dates, exclusive the last two times we saw each other. One date lead to another. Everytime I met him, I thought I was the last time, but it was not. I was not sure what made me see him again. Sometimes I was not glad to do it, but I dont know what brought me to do that. Was is a good experience? yes, I can say so. That doesnt mean I was delighted when I met him. It was far from that. I dont know if it was third or 4th meet that I could laugh with him, then there was tears, his and mine. well, mostly mine. I guess there were so many words unsaid.

I really dont know if he tried to hide his feeling. Honestly I dont think he did. I didnt see romance in his eyes, I didnt see care. well, may be once a while. May be I was too negative. He held my hand and kissed. Can a man do that  without feeling anything at all?? like he said how can he kiss without love? men can , why not? alot of men can do that, everyone knows it. Am I not right? all I know is, it’s not a fault that he doesnt feel anything. I called him cold blooded, and he acted cold blooded to me too.  

Is it love that makes me hope, makes me care and makes me trust, after all this. I still have sympathy for him. I still can see him in a lovely way. I dont know if it’s love. Unless there’s someone else to replace you, it will always be you,  isnt it logic enough?? you have nothing, money, house, education and you are bad too, you said it yourself, but you have everything for me, when I am with you, I dont need other thing. Just show me abit love , abit care like you did sometimes.

Dear someone

Someone asked me to write him everyday. One mail a day, I didnt do first time. He asked again. First day I didnt do, now he got mad and he said ‘ remember dont write me ok?’. well, honestly I was not sure how serious he was, and I dont know what to write about too. If he were realy serious it made me even more uncomfortable, as I didnt feel for that strong for him. Well, I have nothing to say than sorry.

In fact I do want to write someone one mail a day, and I want to see his mail everyday too. I had a friend who had a boyfriend who called her every single day, that he spent more money on calling than what he gets in salary. I think I would never let my boyfriend do that, so I will never be that lucky.

He asked me once to write diary for him, so he knows what I think and how I feel everyday. I dont know if he was serious, as he never asks for that again. But I do have that diary for him, and I read it myself. I dont know if he will ever have opportunity to read it. I neve mention it for him. I ask myself why I spend time for such things, but it’s those things that make me feel alive.

I will try to write one letter a day… to someone, someone I dont even know what’s in his mind. Someone everyone doesnt appreciate. Someone known as liar. Someone that only exist in my hope and my dream. I really have no idea, if he was fake but I have hope. Something tells me he’s all right, coz I used to trust him. I guess deep down inside he does have a heart, a good one.

Traffic in Phnom penh

Holy crab! I’ve learned to scold, to insult lol because of those rediculous trafficans in phnom penh. They are just incredible… oh much more than that. I dont know what they have in mind. If just they take only abit consideration to one another, it would be a much better experience wandering along the streets in PP. Anyone who has been in Phnom penh would know what I mean. I never thought I could drive in Phnom penh but  I did, and it was such an experience. wow i did it. I almost ran into a motor once, while I was turning left and the motor was not supposed to come, but it just ran across me, and i just accelerated instead of braked. 

 

A long trip

After a long period of hard work, both mentally and physically… now it’s time to begin my big holiday. I am supposed to get everything ready… yet I havent done anything much about it. Actually in my mind I still feel there are many things to be done… the list just goes on and on.

The goal itself is not so interesting… it is the journey to the goal that is exciting… I always remember that. I feel that way now… my work is done.. then what??? yes, I need to set another goal, then begin a new journey of my life.

This is how life goes on.. one journey after another. People can’t never relax, we need to do sth all the time, otherwise we would feel bad about ourselves, feel that we are useless or lazy. We demand ourselves to bringe the meaning into our lives, even though we don’t always know what is the last thing we wanna reach in this life… or may be there’s no last thing at all.

Since i was a kid, I always wonder.. why people are born, then died… what are they doing here on earth. As I grew up , I had an answere to myself.. everyone is an element of a society, we are born to be a part of a society, a state, a country.. we are born to make history, to be there for each other. That makes sense… we never get anything with us when we leave this earth. but we leave traces, leave experience, leave lessons to the next generation. Ppl are born to keep this earth full of lives, keep it going on.

Life is nothing simpel, life is a very complicated process.  For me I dont think having a life is easy. however, if life were so easy it would not be so interesting. what is there were no sadness, there would never be happiness either, what is there were no disappoinments, there would be no proud and excitement either. What if there were no brokenhearted, there would be no love either.

Think.. I am still the kid I used to be…. I still think of the same thing :)… Think of the earth, think of the universe , think of life. A long trip… life is a very long trip. you go from one destination to another, and it never ends.

An engineer is born!!!

I am done now. I’m just out of my examroom. The result was good. I was there so proud and so couragous presenting my work with full of confidence. I dont know what I have got the courage from. I was not nervous even abit. I was brave. I am so proud of myself now.

Next step, Champagne party !!