yes I have the reason to be happy today, I just graduated.. for not many hours ago.
But am I happy? or happier than yesterday ? no, not really. Actually, I cant really feel the difference. I know the reason why.. I’ve been feeling this way for quite sometime now.. Nothing really means anything.. anymore.. I’ve never been happy.. I dont feel anything anymore.. since I know, that the man I trusted, the man who seems to be so resonable, so normal.. has made me, or treated me the way he has done. what has he done wrong? maybe nothing. Because he has done nothing. Suddenly, everything is just so meaningless.. what have I done? have I done anything wrong? yes even him he doesnt mean anything to me now.. It’s too late.
I dont pity myself for this.. but I dont know if he knows and understand how much the whole thing has influenced me, my study, my motivation, my everyday life , my mental health.. and not least how I see the world , life , and ppl. he could have treated me more humanly… it’s not even totally his fault.. It’s me .. who should have been stronger at the begining, and not just let the wind blowed over me like that.
It’s not first time, and everytime it’s not the same.. that someone I count on let me down… why it does happen again and again. am I cursed? am I just bad at reading ppl? I’m not happy bc ppl has let me down, myself has let myself down.. bc I should have done better in ly life.. but could it be possible? I am just human.. like my friend said today, you can not kill yourself for a better result, you can only do what you’re capable to..
Do I regret? may be not, not really. I’ve never really regreted but I dont really get the point that it always goes the way it does and not better than this? and not as what I expect, not because I have high expectations..
