I dont know whether this word exists, but that word came to my mind this afternoon. I was sitting in the bus and I was gone too far. I’ve walked around in the shopping mall without seeing what was around me. I could not see I could not feel. I went to a cafetaria and got a burger. I knew I was feeling not well, but I didnt know if I was hungry or it was something else. I had to memorise more than once why I was there in the mall. I dont know if I had to go there or it was just to escape from something.
It was my reaction after I’ve got a news, no not really a news, just some family matter. suspicion, jealousy and unfaithfulness. Something that is complicate for me. I cant define what is wrong what is write concerning that matter. I’m so powerless. I know it’s the problem almost everyone has to face, but it’s just too hard for me to accept.
I like to say I dont want anything new , just dont loose what I have. It sounds so simple but it’s not simple. Actually it’s never the case. everything comes and goes it never stays still. enjoy it when it belong to us , while it’s there.
I dont know how to handle when things are neither white or black, when 2+2 is not 4.
I fear to face the same problem when I have my own family. It’s stupid to say I can choose not to have a family to avoid the problem, but yes it was the first thing that came to my mind.
I cant remember when was the last time I was ‘happy’. it’s doesnt mean I am sad all the time, but may be I have learned to live with this feeling that it has become my everyday. And I dont know if I ever think about myself without thinking of my family. I dont know why I dont love myself the way other ladies do? I dont know why I dont have time for hairdo , nail polish and facials. It needs a happy lady to do that.
I go to school I have two part time jobs. when I’m home I do housework. when there’s vacation I work and worry. when I’m on holiday I’ve got to hear all the family problems I not yet have heard. how do I get a smile to my face. I am either tired or sad. I’ve never been happy and relaxed, I dont know if I can ever be that? No friends no relatives to share and consult, everything runs around in my head. I keep too many things for myself. I tell myself to think positive , I tell myself it’s time to have some fun, there’s a constant voice in me that tells me what to do to keep on going. I talk to myself, I dont know how to talk to ppl anymore. I dont know how to talk to a friend anymore. I dont know how to need someone for help. I’ve been on my own. too much on my own.
I know my text is complicated and I dont know what’s going on in my head. Some people expect some actions from me. but I really have no idea what to do. for me there’s only stay or leave and there’s nothing in between. if u stay with me u love me u repect me u r faithfull to me, if not please go I have no regret. this is about my parents not me, so I dont know what I can do?? there’s so much pressure on me. I have no one to talk to. I am frown all day. I feel tight in my pande. my god where are you?
