Soulless

I dont know whether this word exists, but that word came to my mind this afternoon. I was sitting in the bus and I was gone too far. I’ve walked around in the shopping mall without seeing what was around me. I could not see I could not feel. I went to a cafetaria and got a burger. I knew I was feeling not well, but I didnt know if I was hungry or it was something else. I had to memorise more than once why I was there in the mall. I dont know if I had to go there or it was just to escape from something.

It was my reaction after I’ve got a news, no not really a news, just some family matter. suspicion, jealousy and unfaithfulness. Something that is complicate for me. I cant define what is wrong what is write concerning that matter. I’m so powerless. I know it’s the problem almost everyone has to face, but it’s just too hard for me to accept.

I like to say I dont want anything new , just dont loose what I have. It sounds so simple but it’s not simple. Actually it’s never the case. everything comes and goes it never stays still. enjoy it when it belong to us , while it’s there.

I dont know how to handle when things are neither white or black, when  2+2 is not 4.

I fear to face the same problem when I have my own family. It’s stupid to say I can choose not to have a family to avoid the problem, but yes it was the first thing that came to my mind.

I cant remember when was the last time I was ‘happy’. it’s doesnt mean I am sad all the time, but may be I have learned to live with this feeling that it has become my everyday. And I dont know if I ever think about myself without thinking of my family. I dont know why I dont love myself the way other ladies do? I dont know why I dont have time for hairdo , nail polish and facials. It needs a happy lady to do that. 

I go to school I have two part time jobs. when I’m home I do housework. when there’s vacation I work and worry. when I’m on holiday I’ve got to hear all the family problems I not yet have heard. how do I get a smile to my face. I am either tired or sad. I’ve never been happy and relaxed,  I dont know if I can ever be that? No friends no relatives to share and consult, everything runs around in my head. I keep too many things for myself. I tell myself to think positive , I tell myself it’s time to have some fun, there’s a constant voice in me that tells me what to do to keep on going. I talk to myself, I dont know how to talk to ppl anymore. I dont know how to talk to a friend anymore. I dont know how to need someone for help. I’ve been on my own. too much on my own.

I know my text is complicated and I dont know what’s going on in my head. Some people expect some actions from me. but I really have no idea what to do. for me there’s only stay or leave and there’s nothing in between. if u stay with me u love me u repect me u r faithfull to me, if not please go I have no regret. this is about my parents not me, so I dont know what I can do?? there’s so much pressure on me. I have no one to talk to. I am frown all day. I feel tight in my pande. my god where are you?

Lost in life

I wrote this draft almost a year ago I’ve never had time or energy to continue it

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I am in the middle of nowhere. I am lost. I don’t know where to go. I don’t have a place to stay. Right, I don’t have a home. Everyone has a home, why not me?

ohh yeah my mum has a home, but I never live with her. I left ‘home’ since I was 15 to the city to work as a constructionworker. I experienced everything, from traveling on top of a overloaded truck to sleeping on the pedestrian way. I feeded myself, since I was 13. I went around selling bread in the morning before going to school, with books in my hand. I was good in school. I learned to earn money in school as well. I had every fine handwriting. I copied lessons for the big guys who skipped class. There were quite many of them. So it was quite a good job for me. I learned the lesson, at the same time as I earned money. It was smart.

I saved money and bought a motorbike. Then I became a motortaxi driver. May be one of the youngest ones in town. I liked to wait for custumers at places where many foreigners go, so I get high price for my services. Yeah I was so smart. I spoke english alot. I didnt care if I said it wrong. At night I slept at the gas station. I bound one of my leg to the motorbike, so it wouldnt be taken away without my knowledge.

Later I started school. I was done with high school. So I could go on in college, and so did I. I made a lot of friends there. Some of them still have contact with me now, some of them has become so rich that I don’t even dare to get closer. It was cool going to school. I liked it alot. One of my friends was so kind to me. He knew I was a motortaxi driver. He paid for my english school. I rent a house that time. One time he paid for the rent using his school money. Now he’s away.

what if..

The first question that came to my mind was .. what if after married we found out we’re in love with someone else?? hmm This could happen. it’s not impossible. or may be I am just being naiive again? Being too understanding, and no prejudice like i am it’s called naiive. However everything is possible. Sometime there is ‘why’ but there’s no ‘because’. And again.. it’s turning back to the same old question… what is love?

It’s like magnetic , if the two metals are far apart out of the magnetic zone they wont attract each other… but if they are in the magnatic zone they will run into each other without any external force. so.. keeping the two away in a good distance will prevent the attraction. however the force of nature may still push them together to some extend… i think we never doubt about great love.. but we

Getting married is not a really bad idea– but is there any specific reason why we choose that person to marry with? I read somewhere it is said ‘dont marry someone u can live with,marry someone you cant live without’. well that’s not easy. I dont know if there’s anyone i cant live without in this world. if there were no one then i would have no choice but just to live alone. the thing is we do need someone to share lives with, sooner or later.

Love vs life

There are things that are supposed to be ours , then they will ours someday. There are things that are not supposed to be ours then then will never be ours, no matter what. Do you believe in that?

Do you believe in something called Kou preng? Old people say if he or she is your kou preng , then you cant never run away from him or her. At the end you still meet.

Until my best friend got married then I didnt realize that how much it means to decide to love someone or not. If your decision succeed then it will change everything. We actually choosing a family to be bound to, not just a person, but a whole family. In stead of being mine, he’s now belong to someone else, to another family… this is the consequence of one ’simple’ decision.

First time I heard about love, I was thirteen. And since that day I wondered what it  really is.  Many  many years later  I realized how it feels being in love. I was very well prepared, I knew how to handle it. I had so much confidence. I could predict what was gonna happen. I had the control.

Love fills alot of my time, my day. When there’s love I think about it all the time. When I am in love I am drunk in love and never become fresh. I wake up with love, eat with love and go to sleep with love. I can’t do anything. I become another person. I become weak.

There was a  time when I had no one to miss, and no one seemed to miss me. That time I missed someone to miss. That’s was really lonely. But I could achieve many things. I had so much energy to do other things. I gave up my first love to go on with my life. Love made me too weak. I used to be strong before that, I wanted to keep on being strong, to live by myself, and not to rely on someone else. Yes   that time I was young and strong, I knew how to make a decision.

Right now.. well I am still the same person, but sth might have changed. I still believe in love, but the way I feel and response might not be the same. Yes, I cant never be the same from time to time. Something must have changed while your experiences has been enriched. I may have become stronger, or may be just more matured.. less naiive.. or it could just be more boring??? it’s hard to say. When you’re young you have so much faith, you believe in black and white. When you’re grown up, you’ve met some ppl in your life and they teach you that life is not really just black and white, it could be gray… may be it’s just gray most of the time.. I mean it’s just sth in between black and white.

Well as long as there’s life there’re still things to be explored, things to learn and love is one of those things. We cant deny that love can bring us hope, motivations… love makes us a family. I used to say love is sth so pure, dont misuse it and dont let love make you broken hearted. Enjoy it while it lasts, let go when it’s gone and be proud of the beautiful feeling you have experienced.

Why am I the one to feel bad?

Everyone might have experienced this, lending money to friends. Yes, you know it well right?

I dont know why I am known for being so kind and so weird it seems like ppl believe I have alot of money. Why everytime it’s about money ppl turn their faces to me? Oh yeah I can tell you I hate lending ppl money. I rather give if I can afford it. I know it’s a nightmare when I need the money back, no one is gonna be able to give me bakc or to help me.. no one.

And why am I the one to feel bad because it’s time I need my money back? and ppl seems ignore it, and act like nothing happens? I’ve seen my mum’s nightmare, now I’ve seen mine. I want to swear, not again to lend money to someone. If it makes me an unkind person I would accept it. ohhh I am being selfish now? I dont know, but experiences has teached me so.

Now I have no more money to lend, but there are still more ppl who need. Why I never need anything? I dont know who i can ask if I one day need. Am I just being naiive or all ppl I know are just too poor? yes I dont know anyone who’s rich… lol or may be ppl’s need never ends.

I dont want more nightmares!

secret message continued…

Now you’re gone. We knew there’s today. You asked me how much longer do we have destiny together and I said very soon. Now it’s time. Thanks for this dream, those time we are together.

If you are to come back or not is under God’s plan. I dont wish that you wont be back. But if you are back, I dont know what to do. Our destiny will go on. No one cant stop us when we’re together. We are just made for each other and yet we are not belong to one another. I dont expect more. It’s enough for me to get to know that you exist in this world. Someone that I never get tired of staying around with, someone that I feel so natural to hold and to kiss, someone that just know me indside and out without saying a word. We are just ourselves when we’re together. I feel complete when I am with you. You must be my lost half. 

I wish you good luck in your life. I will be fine. We get back to our old life now. Life with a lost half. But we survive, we will be fine.

A married man continued..

At first I just keep my eyes on his behaviours. I didnt feel anything, I didnt hear anything from his mouth. I was not scared of him.

I dont know how lonely he is, or may be he’s just a man like every other man… He tells someone he’s closed to, that he doesnt know why he ‘likes’ me this much. ( I just dont want to use the word love here). He feels like he knew me from last life.

Then I ask myself if it’s true, if it’s so I must feel the same. I dont know how many times he has kissed me now. Many times. Why do i let him do that. I just dont know how to do. I dont know how to stop him, I have tried.. I know people would say it’s my fault. Yes it is. But i am innocent. I dont know anything. I am not pretty and I never flirt, I am very boring.. I dont want to have anything to do with a married man. I didnt make any move.

Have you ever met someone who makes you feel that he/she’s just born for you? a soulmate? Is it what he’s feeling right now?

Someone used to say I have a heart of rock. It’s not easy to break into. He said there’s no love on my face, I dont know how to love. No there’s no love, because this is wrong. What’s he doing is wrong and he makes me a criminal.

secretly without letting me know. He arranges a meet for me and his single brother. what’s he doing? Should I be mad at him or should I pity him? A typical man… never think of how woman feels. what a mess! If I am to marry a guy I’m not in love with, it will never be his brother, never, rather someone else.. Man you are so strange!!

secret message

This is just between you and me. Any third party is not supposed to get to know…

you told me we can just love each other by heart and it would be enough. You know I am not young anymore that I can do that. Despite I  appreciate this alot  but I can t do. i am too old for that.  I’ve got to have a heart for my family for my future husband and not for other man. I am afraid of hurt you know that.

You told me not to lie to myself, but I dont. I know myself I just cannot show it. You told me not to tortur myself but I have to. I have no other good choice. We are adult we should be able to control ourselves. I told you not to walk further because there’s a big hole in front of us. You said it’s not about the hole, but it’s about our target. it’s about us to want to get through the hole. we can always do something about it. You’re right. you are absolutely right.

I dont wanna know how strong your feeling is, I dont wanna pity you. You told me love is like planting. First it needs to put a seed in the ground and water. The seed starts to grow then it need more watering and care to survive. But I dont want any watering here. Let stop and let it die here… yes let it die.

Now I miss you even I promised not to miss you. I do think of you more than five minuttes aday and I cant let you know. I cant tell you I miss you. I want to be in your arms, want you to lift me up. and this time I want you to be in my arms too. I wish i could let myself blow by the wind of my emotion. I wish I were not that good girl. I feel good when I close my eyes at night and hear your voice in my ears. I love you voice. I love your imagination. I love the way you care about me. when I got in my bed I wait unpatiently for your call. I do miss you. I love it when you call me dear.

I know you’re sad. I am sorry i cant tell you anything about myself, because it would be a mistake if i do that. You said to love someone means to wish that someone a happiness. you are right. I wish you happiness and success in you life. For you and me we cannot be more that just friends… dont love me more I cant take it, even though there’s sth in me that wish you do that, No, who would do that for me when I myself dont even make a move.

A married man

Yes, he’s married. It’s almost hard to believe when staying with him. He’s still young and childish. He plays alot, plays alot with me. He says ugly things. The ugliest words i have ever heard. I dont know how I can stand listening to him.

I may come to an age that I have to experience every taste in life. Of some reasons, he just came out of the blue into my life. I dont know if God arranged that. We’re supposed to work  together for some days, when everybody is gone and there’re just us, me and him. After these days we’ll be apart. Dont get confused, I dont have  him in my mind. I just want to write about him. It was hard to believe and it’s still hard to believe, and yes I dont believe him. I still dont understand what he wants. We walked side by side. He talked alot. He talked about silly things. He makes me laugh. He touched my head. One day he put his hand on my shoulder. The other day he put his hand on my waist. we were almost like couple… i say almost because I didnt feel comfortable with that, I kept on protesting. I didnt care much, I just knew he likes to play and he was just childish. He told me he has a girlfriend, and has had many girls. He talks alot about girls, about sleeping with girls. His wife is far away. One day he walked just right behind me, then he just lifted me up. He kissed my hands, my forehead. I still dont  get what he was doing. One day he said he wants to cook for me. He wants  to buy sth precious for me. I noticed these days he seems upset. He smokes alot but not infront of me , and still makes me laugh. He asked if i miss him if he’s away. I said of course not, I wish you’re out of my life soon, and I never care about his words too. He said he knows what I’m thinking. but he doesnt know cos I think nothing. one day he kissed my cheek. He has done it three times now, and has lifted me up three times too. Once in front of the public. I had so much fun. He said he wants to lift me up infront of the public and he just did it. He wants  to make me happy. One day he said he wants to carry me  home. He reminds me of my first love. He liked saying crazy things to me too. One day he asked me to promise him, not to have boyfriend and wait for him. Again i thought he was joking. He said why didnt we meet three years earlier, it would be perfect.
Because i didnt care about his affair, I’ve never told him about myself. One day he sit and play my mobile phone at work. Suddenly he got sick and short after he just left. I asked if he was allright, he said yes, but just want to go home. Half an hour later I had my phone in my hand and was about to write to him and ask if he already got  home. Then  there  came a message from him.  He saw sweet messages from a man to me, then got jealous. He said he doesnt know why he’s crazy like that. Then I felt that it was serious, but yet didnt understand.  Yes up to now I still dont understand. The day after we still meet as usual. He brought me a funny thing as soon as we met. We didnt talk about what happened. He never shows me he’s sad. He has alot in mind and he’s jealous. I brought him to a place where we could be children. It made him happy again. We  enjoyed it. Now he already told me he’s in love with me. Even he kept on smiling and making fun, his eyes were red. I asked him why?  he said  he was crying.  He hugged me many times. He hugged so tight that it hurts, and there were bruises on my wrist. He said he had happiness being with me, it’s like in dream. Even he’s married but he has never had happiness. It’s the only thing he wants in life.

I’ve not mentioned, we have the same birthday. we have the same thing in the middle of our forehead. we even have the same spot on our right cheek. I have no idea why he likes me. While he was asleep. I checked his phone. I was almost chocked when i saw he saved my number under name ‘ my love’. He’s like a child. I’ve never paid enough attention that  he has said many sweet things to me. he cares  alot about me too.  He cooks when I am hungry. I dont know what makes him think that I like him too. He says he pities me. he doesnt want me to think. He says he doesnt force me, he just need time.

He said many things these few days because he doesnt have much time left. I just cant remember it all.  He says he had too short time. Is it cold-hearted of me? I said I dont trust him and not believe him too.

I’ve been thinking of how a married man having affair, and why me? he said it’s not my fault that he loves me. But how can he love me if he already loves his wife, he said no. They never had such great time together. I’m just writting  down what’s going on. I dont judge.  I dont understand man. not this man.

Just a story about a married man.

Letter 6- You were in my dream

Last night I dreamt of you, twice. First time you came to see me. You were very thin. All the time that we havent seen each other you’ve been so unwell. You left a note that said it was the last time we met, and we would never meet again. I dreamt I was married to another guy, but then you came again. You were wearing a suit. You kissed my lips when I was asleep in my wedding gown. I smiled when sleeping. I could see you face right up close to my face. I wished you were there when I opened my eyes. 

I am afraid I’m married to another guy but still in love with you. I remember I told you I missed you so badly that I didnt want to talk to you, to have anything to do with you, because I knew  it would just tutored my feeling. I will never be able to say that word again, I know. Damn… why … someone powerful like God made  this happened ? and then let this deep feeling become a waste. There were just no word to decribed that much I adored you, and It was hard to hear, to realise the fact that you just wanted to get rid of me, for you own reason. It is tough to realise that you’re not the guy I can rely my future on, because  you have nothing.. Yes nothing…

I’m still long to see you. It’s so unfair when I tell another guy that I love him just because he loves me so much that I can’t just let him and myself down. I wish I could love him more, i wish I missed him more. When I think of you, or just see a shadow of you, my tears are just ready to roll down. I used to think I got over you, but no. I loved you for real, I did. It’s even more that love, do you remember you said that? where are you now? the guy I used to know? what make you become like this? I am very hungry .. I am hungry for you.