should have been happier..

yes I have the reason to be happy today, I just graduated.. for not many hours ago.

 But am I happy? or happier than yesterday ? no, not really. Actually, I cant really feel the difference. I know the reason why.. I’ve been feeling this way for quite sometime now.. Nothing really means anything.. anymore.. I’ve never been happy.. I dont feel anything    anymore.. since I know, that the man I trusted, the man who seems to be so resonable, so normal.. has made me, or treated me the way he has done. what has he done wrong? maybe nothing. Because he has done nothing. Suddenly, everything is just so meaningless.. what have I done? have I done anything wrong? yes even him he doesnt mean anything to me now.. It’s too late.

I dont pity myself for this.. but I dont know if he knows and understand how much the whole thing has influenced me, my study, my motivation, my everyday life , my mental health.. and not least how I see the world , life , and ppl. he could have treated me more humanly… it’s not even totally his fault.. It’s me .. who should have been stronger at the begining, and not just let the wind blowed over me like that.

It’s not first time, and everytime it’s not the same.. that someone I count on let me down… why it does happen again and again. am I cursed? am I just bad at reading ppl? I’m not happy bc ppl has let me down, myself has let myself down.. bc I should have done better in ly life.. but could it be possible?  I am just human.. like my friend said today, you can not kill yourself for a better result, you can only do what you’re capable to..

Do I regret? may be not, not really. I’ve never really regreted but I dont really get the point that it always goes the way it does and not better than this? and not as what I expect, not because I have high expectations..

Love you, marry him

I think I’m almost ready to say yes to marry my friend.. like him, I just want my own family and some kids. I just need to change my lifestyle. no more single life, no more rediculous love, no more wasting time of my biological clock.

you still make me tear, all the thing you do.. may be all the thing that you never do.. make me tear. I dont know what you want and expect from me, when you do like this to me. am I your friend? why do you call me baby? am I your lover ? why do you make me cry? why am I not worth more than this?? why am I thinking alone, while you never say a word. why I am left alone and wondering if you ever love and care about me, if you are really upset like I am. isnt  it enough? isnt it about time I move on? love? may be it’s still there? may be it’s not , but nothing does matter.. does it?? why do I take this so serious? why have I wasted so much tear, why have I let this thing destroyed everything, myself , my study, my wellness… it’s time to go on.. if you ever love me , you should have done better, I deserve better…

somewhere in my heart, I never expect more of  you, I just want to love you, I can stay loving you like this.. but I am just a human, I am selfish, I’m not that good, I cant sacrify that much for love. I need your iniative.. you need to be more man than this.. 

I dont know , who knows anyway? if I’m doing the right thing.. it must be not that wrong.. even I’m marrying someone I dont love. the one I love doesnt make himself deserve it .. doesnt make me feel I am wanted, how many people can stay still when you know the one you love is getting married???

The internal voice

I just feel so annoying hearing this voice constantly inside me… my own voice, the silent voice inside me.. it’s there all the time.. I just need to come out with it, right now. 

 Sometimes I feel like I’m going insane hrrrrrrr and it’s not first time. It feels like decades since I last wrote my diary.. that’s why the voice in me is soooo overflooded.. since then .. up to this monent..more or less I havent had that much need to write the texts that might never be read by anyone in this world but myself.. I have written short notes.. I havent had time to write more.. or may be there has been no inspiration?? at all?

well, I’ve been chatting with this guy (who might be the reason why it is like what it is) everyday.. yes every single day.. almost , since our first chat like a year and 4 months ago. I ‘ve asked myself, if I’m just addicted to chat to escape from my lonely and boring life , or is it because I really need to chat with him everyday?? I just need to hear from him everyday. I was nice, very nice.. and it’s still is, until recently.. may be we ran out of words.. when we know it’s not gonna work out.. I don’t know about him… I feel like a fool..

 It was real when he said he loves me, when I could hear his voice on the phone, when I listen to him playing guitar.. the miss, the love, the tears, the heartache, the hunger, the need..

suddenly it’s just gone, why did you take that away?? I know it’s gone, and it never comes back.. but I hope and I wish.. deep inside me I still do. My male friend told me, men only has strong feeling at the begining, when he knows he has won the girl’s heart, then it’s not so interesting anymore.. I never wish this could happen to this guy.

I never had a plan, to fall in love.. not with this guy.. but right at this moment I doubt, was it love?? why does it suddenly appear?? no actually not suddenly, I have tried for months.. is it really gone?? or may be when I go to bed, when I wake up in the morning.. I will still need to feel him besides me??  

you’re not handsome , you havent treated me the best way you could, you’re not perfect.. but my feeling has grown.  I dont know what you did.. But I know what you did, that make my love faded away.. I know it’s your plan, why did you do that??

why am I complaining about the love that lost? because  love is so beautiful, so nice. It makes me smile it makes me cry it makes my heart ache. No love, I feel like dead. so gloomy, so dark, so boring.

I dont believe you could not do anything  to make it work, if you really love me. I dont believe you can’t do better than this. I don’t believe you can sleep well when you know I’m hurt. I don’t believe you do love me from the bottom of your heart.. there’s no reason for me to feel sorry of loosing you, because you never want me that much.. you never try.  what if I’m wrong, what if you do love me? if you’re actaully in pain of loosing me? but no I cant be wrong can I? if you do love me you wont make things so complicated for me. you wouldnt leave me here alone.

Dear diary…

..you have been left alone the way I have been. My emptiness has returned or may be it has always been there all the time. But by the time he first came into my life, it made me forgot about it. I thought that god answered to what I asked for. Anyway it’s always worth to remember that not everything looks like what it really is, or what we think it is. when he cant give the love and care that I need.. that I constantly need… when he seems not to understand how much I need… I feel lonely. not because I am alone because he’s not there and I need him…that much that I feel so lonely.   waiting for a man to understand you…huh like a beggar waiting for someone to pass by in a noman street…

Soulless

I dont know whether this word exists, but that word came to my mind this afternoon. I was sitting in the bus and I was gone too far. I’ve walked around in the shopping mall without seeing what was around me. I could not see I could not feel. I went to a cafetaria and got a burger. I knew I was feeling not well, but I didnt know if I was hungry or it was something else. I had to memorise more than once why I was there in the mall. I dont know if I had to go there or it was just to escape from something.

It was my reaction after I’ve got a news, no not really a news, just some family matter. suspicion, jealousy and unfaithfulness. Something that is complicate for me. I cant define what is wrong what is write concerning that matter. I’m so powerless. I know it’s the problem almost everyone has to face, but it’s just too hard for me to accept.

I like to say I dont want anything new , just dont loose what I have. It sounds so simple but it’s not simple. Actually it’s never the case. everything comes and goes it never stays still. enjoy it when it belong to us , while it’s there.

I dont know how to handle when things are neither white or black, when  2+2 is not 4.

I fear to face the same problem when I have my own family. It’s stupid to say I can choose not to have a family to avoid the problem, but yes it was the first thing that came to my mind.

I cant remember when was the last time I was ‘happy’. it’s doesnt mean I am sad all the time, but may be I have learned to live with this feeling that it has become my everyday. And I dont know if I ever think about myself without thinking of my family. I dont know why I dont love myself the way other ladies do? I dont know why I dont have time for hairdo , nail polish and facials. It needs a happy lady to do that. 

I go to school I have two part time jobs. when I’m home I do housework. when there’s vacation I work and worry. when I’m on holiday I’ve got to hear all the family problems I not yet have heard. how do I get a smile to my face. I am either tired or sad. I’ve never been happy and relaxed,  I dont know if I can ever be that? No friends no relatives to share and consult, everything runs around in my head. I keep too many things for myself. I tell myself to think positive , I tell myself it’s time to have some fun, there’s a constant voice in me that tells me what to do to keep on going. I talk to myself, I dont know how to talk to ppl anymore. I dont know how to talk to a friend anymore. I dont know how to need someone for help. I’ve been on my own. too much on my own.

I know my text is complicated and I dont know what’s going on in my head. Some people expect some actions from me. but I really have no idea what to do. for me there’s only stay or leave and there’s nothing in between. if u stay with me u love me u repect me u r faithfull to me, if not please go I have no regret. this is about my parents not me, so I dont know what I can do?? there’s so much pressure on me. I have no one to talk to. I am frown all day. I feel tight in my pande. my god where are you?

Lost in life

I wrote this draft almost a year ago I’ve never had time or energy to continue it

—————-

I am in the middle of nowhere. I am lost. I don’t know where to go. I don’t have a place to stay. Right, I don’t have a home. Everyone has a home, why not me?

ohh yeah my mum has a home, but I never live with her. I left ‘home’ since I was 15 to the city to work as a constructionworker. I experienced everything, from traveling on top of a overloaded truck to sleeping on the pedestrian way. I feeded myself, since I was 13. I went around selling bread in the morning before going to school, with books in my hand. I was good in school. I learned to earn money in school as well. I had every fine handwriting. I copied lessons for the big guys who skipped class. There were quite many of them. So it was quite a good job for me. I learned the lesson, at the same time as I earned money. It was smart.

I saved money and bought a motorbike. Then I became a motortaxi driver. May be one of the youngest ones in town. I liked to wait for custumers at places where many foreigners go, so I get high price for my services. Yeah I was so smart. I spoke english alot. I didnt care if I said it wrong. At night I slept at the gas station. I bound one of my leg to the motorbike, so it wouldnt be taken away without my knowledge.

Later I started school. I was done with high school. So I could go on in college, and so did I. I made a lot of friends there. Some of them still have contact with me now, some of them has become so rich that I don’t even dare to get closer. It was cool going to school. I liked it alot. One of my friends was so kind to me. He knew I was a motortaxi driver. He paid for my english school. I rent a house that time. One time he paid for the rent using his school money. Now he’s away.

what if..

The first question that came to my mind was .. what if after married we found out we’re in love with someone else?? hmm This could happen. it’s not impossible. or may be I am just being naiive again? Being too understanding, and no prejudice like i am it’s called naiive. However everything is possible. Sometime there is ‘why’ but there’s no ‘because’. And again.. it’s turning back to the same old question… what is love?

It’s like magnetic , if the two metals are far apart out of the magnetic zone they wont attract each other… but if they are in the magnatic zone they will run into each other without any external force. so.. keeping the two away in a good distance will prevent the attraction. however the force of nature may still push them together to some extend… i think we never doubt about great love.. but we

Getting married is not a really bad idea– but is there any specific reason why we choose that person to marry with? I read somewhere it is said ‘dont marry someone u can live with,marry someone you cant live without’. well that’s not easy. I dont know if there’s anyone i cant live without in this world. if there were no one then i would have no choice but just to live alone. the thing is we do need someone to share lives with, sooner or later.

Love vs life

There are things that are supposed to be ours , then they will ours someday. There are things that are not supposed to be ours then then will never be ours, no matter what. Do you believe in that?

Do you believe in something called Kou preng? Old people say if he or she is your kou preng , then you cant never run away from him or her. At the end you still meet.

Until my best friend got married then I didnt realize that how much it means to decide to love someone or not. If your decision succeed then it will change everything. We actually choosing a family to be bound to, not just a person, but a whole family. In stead of being mine, he’s now belong to someone else, to another family… this is the consequence of one ‘simple’ decision.

First time I heard about love, I was thirteen. And since that day I wondered what it  really is.  Many  many years later  I realized how it feels being in love. I was very well prepared, I knew how to handle it. I had so much confidence. I could predict what was gonna happen. I had the control.

Love fills alot of my time, my day. When there’s love I think about it all the time. When I am in love I am drunk in love and never become fresh. I wake up with love, eat with love and go to sleep with love. I can’t do anything. I become another person. I become weak.

There was a  time when I had no one to miss, and no one seemed to miss me. That time I missed someone to miss. That’s was really lonely. But I could achieve many things. I had so much energy to do other things. I gave up my first love to go on with my life. Love made me too weak. I used to be strong before that, I wanted to keep on being strong, to live by myself, and not to rely on someone else. Yes   that time I was young and strong, I knew how to make a decision.

Right now.. well I am still the same person, but sth might have changed. I still believe in love, but the way I feel and response might not be the same. Yes, I cant never be the same from time to time. Something must have changed while your experiences has been enriched. I may have become stronger, or may be just more matured.. less naiive.. or it could just be more boring??? it’s hard to say. When you’re young you have so much faith, you believe in black and white. When you’re grown up, you’ve met some ppl in your life and they teach you that life is not really just black and white, it could be gray… may be it’s just gray most of the time.. I mean it’s just sth in between black and white.

Well as long as there’s life there’re still things to be explored, things to learn and love is one of those things. We cant deny that love can bring us hope, motivations… love makes us a family. I used to say love is sth so pure, dont misuse it and dont let love make you broken hearted. Enjoy it while it lasts, let go when it’s gone and be proud of the beautiful feeling you have experienced.

Why am I the one to feel bad?

Everyone might have experienced this, lending money to friends. Yes, you know it well right?

I dont know why I am known for being so kind and so weird it seems like ppl believe I have alot of money. Why everytime it’s about money ppl turn their faces to me? Oh yeah I can tell you I hate lending ppl money. I rather give if I can afford it. I know it’s a nightmare when I need the money back, no one is gonna be able to give me bakc or to help me.. no one.

And why am I the one to feel bad because it’s time I need my money back? and ppl seems ignore it, and act like nothing happens? I’ve seen my mum’s nightmare, now I’ve seen mine. I want to swear, not again to lend money to someone. If it makes me an unkind person I would accept it. ohhh I am being selfish now? I dont know, but experiences has teached me so.

Now I have no more money to lend, but there are still more ppl who need. Why I never need anything? I dont know who i can ask if I one day need. Am I just being naiive or all ppl I know are just too poor? yes I dont know anyone who’s rich… lol or may be ppl’s need never ends.

I dont want more nightmares!

secret message continued…

Now you’re gone. We knew there’s today. You asked me how much longer do we have destiny together and I said very soon. Now it’s time. Thanks for this dream, those time we are together.

If you are to come back or not is under God’s plan. I dont wish that you wont be back. But if you are back, I dont know what to do. Our destiny will go on. No one cant stop us when we’re together. We are just made for each other and yet we are not belong to one another. I dont expect more. It’s enough for me to get to know that you exist in this world. Someone that I never get tired of staying around with, someone that I feel so natural to hold and to kiss, someone that just know me indside and out without saying a word. We are just ourselves when we’re together. I feel complete when I am with you. You must be my lost half. 

I wish you good luck in your life. I will be fine. We get back to our old life now. Life with a lost half. But we survive, we will be fine.